and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
