that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
