I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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