wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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