We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
