ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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