i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
