Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
