They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
