My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
