she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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