Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
