Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
