NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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