Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
