She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
