I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
