i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
