I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
