Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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