Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
