Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
