i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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