Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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