Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
