I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
