her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
