I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
