did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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