He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
