I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
