Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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