It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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