The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
