I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
