this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
