Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
