she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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