Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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