I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
