just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
