i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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