I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
