i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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