My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
this must be what syphilis tastes like
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
