she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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