I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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