That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
