i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
