I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
